7 Non-Existent Words That You May Be Using
And a Perscription — er, Prescription — for Using the Right Ones
My late grandmother had a knack for inventing words through mispronunciation. She told us Santa comes down the chimley every Christmas Eve. She looked forward in the summers to watching the Pirates play in Pitchburgh. And she made a point of visiting relatives’ graves at the cementery.
I dearly loved the woman, and never felt compelled to correct her. But all that exposure to word mishaps did not build my tolerance for them. My blood boils when someone says irregardless or invites me to conversate.
And before I stand accused of pedantic sanctimony, I acknowledge that I’ve emitted my own share of verbal misfires. As a child, I told my parents that one of my friends attended the Cathletic church. As an adult taxpayer, I once complained that the city should hire a contractor to tredge a polluted local pond.
And I’m not alone. A study published in the United Kingdom a few years ago found that three-quarters of British people struggle with common words and terms, like prescription and et cetera. The mispronunciations actually lead to invented words (e.g., perscription and excetera). Spell-check may catch these when we type them out on the laptop, but no one has yet invented a Grammarly app for our brains.
Yet there are some emerging trends in American English that, now that I am approaching 60 and have earned the right to be a linguistic curmudgeon, are vexing me to no end. Some of the most educated people I know use words and pronunciations that simply don’t exist in the English language. These are errors that you hesitate to point out to someone who utters them, as it embarrasses them and makes you look sadistically condescending.
Here is a list of the mispronounced and misused words that even Ivy-League-degreed people are butchering, along with some ideas to help you remember the correct pronunciation.
Anyways
Stop adding an s to the end of this word, folks. It’s anyway. Just remember, if there’s any way to show how inept you are with the language, it’s to say “anyways.”
Foward
Too many people insist on pronouncing the word forward this way. Unless you’re British or a toddler still struggling to pronounce some consonants, you need to pronounce the damn r. Foward is simply a faux word.
Artic
People typically forget that the word to describe frigid temperatures and weather systems is arctic. Artic sounds like a schoolkid complaining during a field trip to the Met. “Art! Ick!”
Expresso
Many of us order an expresso at Starbucks, when what we actually want is an espresso. It’s better for you to simply point to the menu than “expresso” your ignorance.
Sherbert
The word for this sorry substitute for ice cream is sherbet. Just remember, it’s a sure bet that when you eat it, you’ll be wishing you were downing some Chunky Monkey instead.
Supremist
This word is used often to describe Proud Boys, Three Percenters, and other racist groups who see whiteness as superior. They are white supremacists. Supremists are fans of a certain Motown group.
And speaking of white supremacists…
Klu Klux Klan
Yes, technically three words, but it’s proper noun so let’s regard it as one. The first word in this proper noun (and I hate to use the word “proper” in any description of this group) is Ku, pronounced “coo,” not “clue.” Just remember, a clue is something Scooby and the Gang look for when solving mysteries. The Klan is just plain cuckoo.
